01

One line to remember

“The moment a 'but' is attached, an apology turns into an excuse; the moment you swallow the justification and put down a period, genuine trust begins.”

02

Why Do We Add "But" After an Apology?

“I'm sorry. But I had my reasons too.” Whether apologizing in person or sending a message on mobile chat, we often unconsciously attach conjunctions like “but” or “however” to explain the circumstances. Even when we rationally know we should admit our fault, defensive words meant to protect ourselves blurt out first.

According to psychological research, an apology triggers anxiety over whether one might appear irresponsible or like a bad person. As this instinct for self-preservation takes over, people desperately add explanations such as “that wasn't my intention” even while admitting their mistake. However, these defensive explanations come across directly to the other person as excuses aimed at evading responsibility.

03

To the Other Person's Ears, Only the Excuse After "But" Remains

In conversation, the word “but” acts like an eraser that wipes away the weight of the preceding apology. The moment you place a comma after saying “I'm sorry” and begin listing your circumstances, the other person feels defensive resistance—thinking, “In the end, they mean it's not their fault”—rather than relief from receiving an apology.

According to conflict resolution research, the most decisive factor in opening someone's heart through an apology is not an elaborate explanation of the situation, but an honest acknowledgment of responsibility for your part. This does not mean shouldering the blame for everything alone. Even in complex situations, clearly acknowledging the details you missed or the inconvenience you caused allows the other person's guarded heart to finally soften.

  • Words like “but” or “however” instantly erase the sincerity of the “I'm sorry” that came before.
  • What the other person wants first is not an elaborate explanation of circumstances, but full validation of their hurt feelings.
  • Cleanly acknowledging your share of responsibility is the fastest key to restoring damaged trust.

04

Ending with a Period, Not an Excuse: The 3 Steps of a Complete Apology

The essence of offering a complete apology lies not in speaking eloquently, but in stripping away unnecessary additions. Rather than tacking on lengthy excuses out of feeling wronged—especially in text messages or daily life—we need practice placing a clean period in a single breath.

When you have disappointed someone or made a mistake, keep the following three steps in mind. Instead of rigid or heavy phrasing, keep your words concise and tailored to everyday and professional settings.

  • Step 1: Express regret (“I'm truly sorry for upsetting you.” / “I apologize for causing confusion in the workflow.”)
  • Step 2: Acknowledge responsibility and impact (“I didn't check carefully beforehand.” / “The schedule was delayed because I missed a verification step.”)
  • Step 3: Offer remediation or a solution (“Next time, I'll message you right away if anything changes. How can I help right now?” / “I will finish the remaining work immediately and hand it over by the end of today.”)

05

The Strength to Endure the Urge to Explain in Silence

The silence that follows right after placing the period on an apology, or after hitting the send button on a message, can feel awkward and uneasy. The urge to defend yourself by adding something more might rise right up to your throat. Yet that silence is the essential time the other person needs to absorb the apology and let their feelings settle.

What if there is crucial context that must be explained or a misunderstanding that needs correcting? Rather than blurting it out like an excuse in the same breath as the apology, set up a separate moment once the other person's emotions have fully calmed down. If you gently ask for permission—saying something like, “I don't mean to make excuses for what happened, but could I briefly share what occurred to clear up misunderstandings and help with future coordination?”—the other person will perceive it as transparent communication rather than lingering defensiveness.

06

The 3-Second Pause to Swallow the 'But' After an Apology

  1. When a situation calls for an apology, keep any circumstances or excuses that come to mind to yourself.
  2. Express your regret and acknowledge your responsibility simply in one or two sentences, such as, “I'm sorry, I failed to take care of it in advance.”
  3. After finishing your sentence or sending the message, count to three in your head with your mouth closed, without adding a 'but.'

Even if providing context or explaining the situation is necessary, avoid doing so in the same breath as your apology. It is far more effective to discuss it calmly after the other person's emotions have settled.

07

Continue with your habit

Throughout today, whenever you face a minor mistake, swallow the excuse and cleanly conclude your apology with a period. Track your habit of complete apologies over 66 days to build unshakeable, solid trust in any relationship.

Track this cue in 66 Days

Research and primary sources

  1. An Exploration of the Structure of Effective ApologiesRoy J. Lewicki, Beth Polin, Robert B. Lount Jr. · 2016 · DOI 10.1111/ncmr.12073A study analyzing the components of effective apologies, revealing that acknowledgment of responsibility has the most decisive impact on the credibility of an apology and on forgiveness.
  2. The Psychology of Offering an Apology: Understanding the Barriers to Apologizing and How to Overcome ThemKarina Schumann · 2018 · DOI 10.1177/0963721417741709A paper examining the psychological mechanisms behind the threat apologies pose to self-image and defensive attitudes (excuses, justifications), proposing pathways toward offering complete apologies.